How to pick up chicks: A reasonably informed response to pick-up artist guides

It is really hard to meet men I want to date. I hear that men also have trouble meeting women. (I smell an arbitrage opportunity here!) Hence, the abundance of guides on "picking up women" all over the internet. Some of these guides have really disrespectful attitude towards women, which makes me wonder about their true intent and efficacy. So, here are some of my tips for sparking a woman's interest - all should also work with men!

1. Ask - and remember - her name. This is really simple, but is an easy way to show respect and interest. If names give you trouble, try repeating it right after she tells you (i.e., "It's nice to meet you, Rachel"), and repeat it a couple of times in your head.
2. Actively listen to what she's saying and ask appropriate questions. People love talking about themselves, and feel extra special when someone is really engaging with what they're saying. Don't use her conversation as a way to change the subject to yourself. When I recently told a guy in a bar that I liked books, he used this as a way to start talking for 15 minutes about his own collection, which was not particularly endearing. A smoother dude would have asked me more about what I liked to read, or maybe the most recent book I had purchased.
3. Make eye contact, but not too much. The main thing here is not to stare at the woman's rack while you're talking - it really bothers most of the women I know. However, don't lock eyes too intensely either. If she's backing away, fidgeting a lot, or keeps looking away, you are probably being a little too strong. Eye contact, look away, eye contact, glance away, etc.
4. Don't swear profusely, say bigoted things, or indulge in excessive vulgarity. Dropping F-bombs is not going to impress anyone, and being sexist, racist, or homophobic will not score you any points. This is your first conversation with this person, so put your best foot forward.
5. No negging. Negging is a common pickup artist tip where you catch a woman's interest by insulting her. Don't do this - it's stupid, rude, and makes you look like an inconsiderate jerk. Compliments are totally the way to go. You already know this to be true, so just trust your instincts. Anecdotes of successful negging are just that - rare stories. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
6. Make her feel great. This is your antidote to negging - instead, give her a nice compliment, laugh at her jokes, take interest in her conversation, use her name, buy her a drink. This is a classic sales strategy and common sense: everybody loves a charmer.
7. Accept no as an answer. Don't be too persistent, and allow her an easy escape from the conversation. If she's not interested in you, it behooves you to be as polite as possible and not make her uncomfortable. Not only is this the right thing to do (harassment is bad!), she might also have friends with her who might be more receptive to your advances. If this sounds like bad advice, read this harsh piece about too-persistent men. Don't be that guy!
8. Follow up with a call. If the stars align and you get her number:
1. Call when you promised or within three days.
2. Call once, leave a voicemail. This is really important - calling half a dozen times is inappropriate. Just leave a voicemail with your name, a reference to where you met so she can remember the context, and your number.
3. If she doesn't return your call, try again, but only once. (See #6 for rationale.)
9. Ask her out on a date. In a world of online dating and a hookup culture, it seems that people are increasingly afraid of the face-to-face rejection inherent in dating. Rejection is a normal part of the dating process, and picking yourself up and moving on is a big part of improving your game.While Match.com and hookups can be great, a dinner date is a really good way to get to know someone through a relatively sober and private conversation. It sounds intimidating but there's nothing to be scared of - and it gets much easier with practice!

These might seem really simple, but I've seen so many men (and women!) blow their chances by messing up on common courtesy. Any more basic tips out there for meeting people?

Life Skills: Giving actionable feedback

Giving a colleague, roommate, or partner feedback is difficult. No one likes to be criticized. However, actionable feedback (i.e., constructive criticism or praise, AKA communication) is key to healthy working - and interpersonal - relationships. Here are some tips to delivering feedback in the most painless, useful form.

1. Begin with the positive. People tend to focus on the negative, especially when they hear it from someone they wish to please, so it's even more important for you to emphasize the positive to avoid your small critique getting blown out of proportion. If people feel too threatened by the feedback they're getting, it's hard for them to absorb it. This is most important when you are just starting to give feedback - eventually you may develop an environment of continuous feedback, and people will welcome any input.
2. Be specific. Give specific examples of the behavior in question. It may have made a strong impression on you, but the person receiving feedback may not have noticed anything unusual. However, don't let examples distract from your core point--people sometimes respond to examples by giving excuses for that specific instance. You can say, "This is one example that shows the behavior I mentioned, but I've noticed it other times."
3. Make it actionable - suggest a future course of action.
4. Remember to give positive feedback as well! If you like what someone is doing, let them know so that they keep doing it.
5. Forgive and forget. Or as the great Jimmy Buffett would say, "breathe in, breathe out, move on!" This is good advice if you're giving feedback (don't bring up something repeatedly if you've already let the other person know of the issue, unless they don't make an effort to change), but even better if you're getting it! All input is good input, but one person's opinion does not define you.

The classic format for feedback is "When you (specific example of action) it makes me feel (how you feel). In the future, (alternative action)." This is dirt simple, but it works! The format forces you to think of both an example of the behavior and solution, and will signal to the recipient that feedback is coming.

Feminist classic on women's household burden: Hochschild's "The Second Shift"

I picked up Arlie Hochschild's The Second Shift this past week on vacation, a book I'd been meaning to read because it was "a classic" but which I also dreaded would be a dry screed on hopeless inequities that didn't really affect me. But I kept picking it up, in every bit of downtime I had, and now I can't stop talking about it with everyone I know. (Unlike The Quants, which I have to finish for my work bookclub next week but can't get into - is that because it's a Man Book?)

Hochschild, a professor at UC Berkeley, first published this book in 1989, after extensive fieldwork interviewing and observing two-career couples in the greater Bay area. She compiled case studies of exemplar families, detailing the breakdown of childcare and housework as well as the relations between the two. Hochschild also documented the participant's family background, feelings and ideology regarding gender roles, and opinions about how work was being divided (which often conflicted with her observations). Her conclusion was that in the vast majority (~80%) of households, women carried a disproportionate share of the load, in essence working a "second shift" after they got home from work. The case studies are presented objectively, but are nevertheless incendiary, both for the story they tell and the clarity they draw to unfair breakdowns of household labor many readers have seen or experienced personally.

Springtime Update on the Science of Love

It is that time of year when the blood begins to quicken, and many young (and old) minds drift towards romance. Scientists have also begun to focus on questions of romantic love, with both intuitive and surprising results.

Turns out that Ke$ha and Saving Abel have it right - love is truly addicting. This is biological anthropologist Helen Fisher's view, at least, and she has the experimental data to back her up. Dr Fisher has described her work on love at first sight, jealousy, and rejection in several magazines, including as a contributor to O. This article from NewScientist summarizes her most famous work on why getting dumped can be so traumatic - it's biology! She has also presented her work at the TED conference:

What do men and women want? And are the lists really so different?

Pearls N the Hood recently drew attention to her personal struggle with relationship ennui, in the form of her beau seeming to bristle at the nurturing she provided by instinct.  I doubt this reaction was really about getting too much of something (home-cooked polenta?  Sign me up!), but rather not enough.  I don't think we ever get enough from relationships.  For women, I think it has to do with the fact that we're constantly sent the message that finding the right man will solve all our problems, leaving us disappointed when it doesn't instantly transport us to carefree happiness.  For men, maybe it has to do with being taught that what they want for themselves and what their partners want for them are necessarily in conflict.  E.g., they want their careers, their buddies, their beer, their freedom, and we want them to do dishes and watch chick flicks.  Of course these gender roles are totally unrealistic, and for same-sex partnership there are entirely different dynamics, but I feel like the messages we are fed about relationships from a young age play a big role in programming us for dissatisfaction later in life.  We think relationships have some kind of magical power to transcend our life situation, when in reality, they are simply a commitment to share that life situation with someone else.  Don't think I'm advocating for settling like a certain (fat-shaming) Lori Gottlieb.  Far from it.  I'm simply advocating looking for a partner instead of a savior.  We shouldn't expect a relationship to fix us, rescue us, or make our lives something they weren't before.  We should expect our relationships to be filled with ups and downs, to be thrilling at times and tedious at others, and for the people we embark on them with to be wonderful and flawed, just like us.  It's because relationships are so hard that we need to find wonderful people to be in them with.  Not perfect people, but wonderful.

My non-negotiable list of what to look for in a partner, and an opportunity to share yours, after the jump.